'Eh Gringo, What Happened To Your Car?'  

    Okay, the brief is simple traverse the South American continent from the capital of Peru to the capital of Paraguay in thirteen (unlucky for some) days travelling 4000km in the process. All in the name of the amazing charity Operation Smile which is great. What’s not so great is our mode of transportation. This will all be done in the South American equivalent of the rickshaw, the humble Mototaxi. To see more on this, the most un-mighty of steeds check out the Vehicle link on the left.  If this isn't stupid enough we'll also be attempting to drive the whole trip without using a highway. Back roads ALL the way baby. Woo hoo, I think.

   So, only a few minor obstacles stand between Lima in Peru and the glory of a hero’s welcome in Asuncion two weeks later. First up we need to negotiate the suicidal Limian traffic. Where the locals think that climbing into a motor vehicle is just the first thing they need to do to take part in the newest Peruvian sport...DEATH CHASE! It's a craze sweeping the nation ('Stop sign, what stop sign?') If we make it out of the city alive and intact then we can be safe in the knowledge that we are a massive one hour into our three hundred and thirty six hour journey. What else could this beautiful continent throw at us that’s worse than that?  

   I'll tell you what. The Andes! With its crazy temperature shifts and sheer cliff roads littered with the occasional sleeping Llama and not an iota of tarmac for hundreds of miles. Not to mention the Andean bandits. No this isn't a group of militants with the same Christian name but some of the most hardened individuals on the planet.  If those guys don't get you then the altitude sickness sure will (anyone see the Kilimanjaro climb for comic relief?). That coupled with the fact that we will be travelling uphill at the phenomenal speed of around 1 Kmph and that all adds up to a white knuckle ride of fun, fever and firearms. 

   Won't we be glad when that's over? Where next then?  Anyone heard of the Amazon rain forest? No? Well Google it. Poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, poisonous plants, poisonous fish, poisonous wasps, poisonous frogs, poisonous ants (WTF!), poisonous insects the list goes on but I think you get the picture. I guess there's always a chance of discovering a new species or two and if that happens then we'll get to name it. I wonder if the name 'I died discovering this beetle' is taken yet. While we are looking out for the poisonous Swans we'll need to make sure that we are drinking enough water to fight the heat and humidity which are the real killers out here. Let’s not forget how small the Mototaxi is, its capacity for carrying large quantities of water is not its best feature. That accolade being reserved for breaking down when asked to drive on anything but perfectly flat asphalt for a short distance. All this makes the local Jaguars look like pussy cats. 

   With the rain forest firmly behind us we will then speed our way to the beautiful Lake Titicaca. The highest navigable body of water in the world and the largest in all the Americas, but with no time to stop and marvel we'll zip on past the tourist un-friendly tribes dodging the 2 ft wide frogs (honestly!) as we get up enough speed for an express border crossing into Bolivia and onto the next trail known as the 'Road Of Death'! Hmm, for our travelling partners team Mental Militia this was quite possibly the biggest selling point of the whole adventure. For me however a 30 mile long, loose stoned fire road snaking down the Andes with a 300 meter barrier less drop to your left and a sheer wall delivering massive falling rocks and regular fatal landslides to your right is yet to grip me with the same enthusiasm. Have a look at the numerous 'road of death' clips on You Tube and you'll get the picture, especially the one that is tagged as 'horrific accident'.

    Involuntary base jump avoided and our names thankfully missing from any roadside crosses we'll motor on through the mountains towards one of the most inhospitable places on Planet Earth. Salar de Uyuni. The largest salt flats in the world @ 10,582 km² they are the definition of bleak. With nothing around for miles except a curious hotel made from whatever the locals could get their hands on... you've guessed it, salt. If time permits we may have a chance to stop at the salt hotel and show the inhabitants what great things the British have come up with for salt. 'Yes you may have built an entire building out of the stuff but have you ever tried putting fish n' chips under it?’ Impressed won't be the word. Really it won't.

    Onward then, descending onto the plains and desserts that make up the lowlands and it's time to lose the England footie shirt for a border crossing into Argentina. Through more jungle and flat barren wasteland we'll need to point the mighty Mototaxi due west toward Paraguay. After yet another border crossing its back on with the England shirt and a change of heading please captain, south west to Asuncion. It's now just a hop skip and a couple of hundred mile jump to the finish. Phew! All that in two weeks even though it takes a smidgen longer than that to follow the route on a map (no highways remember). Think it sounds stupid? You’re probably right. Think it sounds amazing? You're definitely right. Thinking 'I'd like to do that', well when you get to registering that feeling may fade a little, check the warning at the bottom of the adventurists site for more worrying facts. It will scare the be-jesus out of you. Still think it will be fun? Well you may be too late for this year as it's the first Mototaxi Junket and it's filling fast. So you can think of us as your test pilots, your death test dummies if you will (with the emphasis on dummies). If we make it back then it's a sure thing that you might not die alone on another continent as well.